the story of my yorku graduation

i was super bored and up way past my bedtime so i started drifting aimlessly through my oldest hotmail account. i found this treasure. courtesy of the chrissy. long, but very funny. dont read while eating or drinking. you might spray your monitor.

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Ok why the hell am I left with the task of telling this ageless (crappy) story? Oh yeah, Melikeya has a mean streak a mile wide so I better get on with it.



First off I’m coming from the thriving Stinktroplois of Hamilton. So even if it means going to a boring grad ceremony, I’m up for it. That and it’s part of my court ordered community service. I have to hang out with nerds and try to “cool them up”. Don’t ask. I know it’s a dumb phrase but the judge was old.



So as I was leaving my house I noticed a rather large stain on my pants.

I didn’t worry Melikeya is too self centered of a person to notice something not pertaining to her. Also the stain wasn’t on my ass or crotch so I figured I was safe.

The long drive was enjoyable even considering who I was gonna get stuck hangin out with later on that evening. It was quite the task keeping myself occupied. The whole “at least one hand on the wheel” put a damper on the number activities I could use to keep my self amused. Patty cake was out of the question. I stuck mainly to singing along to the oldies station (dum dum dum sixteen candles do da do hmmmm) and driving dangerously close to the lane dividers. Good times. Well that was until I hit York campus.



I spent almost as much time driving on York campus as I did getting there. Gotta love when the York Polio Jogging Club passes you. I’m gonna have nightmares about those sounds for a while. I can’t even be in the kitchen the same time my mom goes thru the pots and pans drawer any more.



Soooooo like 45 minutes later I park my car and oooooh lucky me, it starts to piss down. YEAH ME! I had an umbrella, but let’s face it, black poodle silhouettes on pink not a good dude look. I did manage to keep Melikeya grad present dry. And yes I followed her mom’s instructions, nothing sharp or small enough for her to swallow. Man I tell you, you only make that mistake once, but I don’t have to tell you.



Inside the tent it is just starting to fill up. The grads had already been seated so I gave up on previous plans to meet her near the Tim Horton’s and start searching the bleachers. After scanning them all I come to the conclusion that she may not be wearing her walking helmet. I give up and take up a spot in the back. Seeing as I was like about 500 feet (!!!!) away at this point I was just going to wait for her to get her skinny ass up and receive her diploma.



Well that seemed like a good idea. The collection of old nerds (professors, chancellors and what not) had a different one. “Let’s bore people to death with our o so witty banter that uses reference that even the doctoral students don’t even get”. I did laugh a couple times at this. I admit it was because one of them kind half tripped and there was some really cool loud feed back that woke the grandparents up. Well the ones that could still hear.



FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they start callin names. Good lord it has been what seems a life time. The crowd is filled with EMS units workin on people suffering form dehydration and sever boredom. Luckily that does not interfere with diploma assembly line. I didn’t spot buck ten until the called her name. It sure was quite the task keeping track of her, trying to follow her back to her chair. She turned sideways a couple times and I almost lost her. Did I mange to find where she sat? Let’s just say these bifocals didn’t let me down (this time).



So seeing that I know where she is now seated I make my way as close as I can to her seat. This just happens to be “photograph alley”. No not the same place Melikeya got fooled into going for that model audition. This was the isle that every parent with a camera, video and sketch book was trying to get an image of their child shakin hands with numero uno. The ushers were trying to enforce some kind of “fire safety” regulation. You try telling a group full of fathers armed with the latest digital products that they are going to have to move because of some fire code? Pfffff, not gonna happen. Throw in the fact that half of them could barely speak the English language and you have a mob on your hands. If that ceremony would have run another hour we would have been extorting the Profs and had our own black market in the commons.



And then it happened. “Zander Zimmerman” and it was over. The last diploma handed out and we could get the hell outta there. A Wooo, a Hooo!!!! They start filling out I manage to get her attention. You know this is a hard task with the ADD and all. Unfortunately they are being herded out one way and I am being forced to leave the other way. So I manage to break the ushers choke hold run around the tent.



There I find Melikeya all by herself like a lost little puppy. A lost little puppy that isn’t too bright and hasn’t eaten for days. She seems to have lost her entire family. Now I can understand losing her able bodied mother, but the grandparents? Come on they couldn’t have got that far. Being that I have never met or seen pics of the family I for one time in my life am useless. She even made several false sightings. I mean who can’t recognize their own family??? I’ll tell you who, Melikeya, that’s who.



Here is a great idea, why not look where they were sitting during the ceremony? Wow, great idea. Where were they? Where they were sitting during the ceremony. So now that we’ve found them, it’s time for pics!! So they sort through every combo imaginable. At one point her grandfather and I were doing a civil war tableau. I was a mule. Ok, so we got carried away, sue us.



We discover that we are out of film (hope the group mooning was not lost) and it’s time to head out. Melikeya and I get the car so her family can sit down (they cleared the tent). On the way back I almost ran over a cop, but that’s another story. So the family takes seat in the car and we head off to drop the gown off. I was very disappointed to find that Melikeya was wearing clothes underneath. It took me a few minutes to get over it. I mean you just don’t burst a dude’s fantasy like that. Some would call it cruel. The orthopedic shoes should have been my first clue that she was not in that type of mood.



Well we squeeze everyone in the car and head to Scarberia to drop of the folks. On the way I lay of the oldies sing along and dangerous driving and rely on Melikeya’s mom to keep me entertained with stories from the little nerds past. They prove to be mildly entertaining and prevent my road rage from flaring up to bad. At one point during the short trip Puggsy in the back seat belts out that her tape worm needs feeding NOW!!! We manage to calm her down and let her know we’ll try to at least get some KD in her as soon as granny and grandpa get home.



Off to the restaurant we go. To a move n’ pick? What??? I have to serve myself? What the hell is that? I mean I could have gone home and served my self and not paid for it. Now I have to walk around and get my own food. Unacceptable! What? Melikeya’s moms is footing the bill? Outta my way time for some grub!!!!!!!!! Half a chicken later, it’s time for dessert. So me and short stuff head up to devise a dessert battle plan. Unfortunately for me I was two breasts and a vagina short to get any service form the confectionary counter. I managed to turn it into an ‘unfortunately for Melikeya” situation by grabbing an extra spoon and helping myself to her cake and ice cream. He He He.



Filled to the gills we head out and on our way to drop the female parental unit off so we can have some real graduation fun. Yeah you know what I mean. It was time for Melikeya to get a hold of a stick and some balls. Lucky for us the pool hall was still open. Or should I say lucky for me. I whooped her ass like third rate jockey. I saw some tears well up but she blamed it on the smell in the joint. But I know it wasn’t just the smell that was starting up the water works. I finish off my watered down diet Pepsi and it’s time to go.



This all end with me dropping her off at her place, I almost stopped this time to. How hard is it to remember to tuck and roll? Whaaa whaaa, You bent my diploma. Boo friggin hoo, welcome to the real world.





Yeah, that’s all I got.