what really matters

yesterday i got some news i expected. it wasn't the best news, but i knew it would be news that i would be ambivalent about. (about which i would be ambivalent? yesh grammar police on patrol in my Ego). aaaaanyway, because we had a 6hr power outage yesterday, and i had had a nap in the afternoon (for lack of anything else to do and reading in the heat was making me sleepy), i was quite alert and NOT tired when i went to sleep at 1130.

and i laid in bed thinking about the news i'd received. and what it meant to me. especially in light of my current circumstances. so little is certain in my life already, but, i can't go back on what i've committed to. i refuse to in principle.

so today i woke up and i realized the news was still sitting in my head and it was making me sad. plus, i knew there would be some OTHER screw up today because i was taking the second class on the same trip and it would ALWAYS be eventful - never simply smooth. so not looking forward to the day, not looking forward to the heat, and NOT looking forward to the staff meeting afterwards, there was very little to pick me up out of the doldrums in which i started my day.

in fact, there were tears running down my face as i wrote the quote of the day and i wiped them away with my hand as i half turned to say good morning to the students coming in. i wished i could close the door and have a little pity party/confusion cry. but it was too late. the bell had rung. the students were streaming in. and besides, i didn't want my eyes to be the same vibrant red as my shirt because they wouldn't have been able to handle THAT distraction. and of course, miserable and whiny as they can be, i know they count on me to be an adult and NOT have any life outside of them and their crises in the 80 mins that they're in my room.

i finally understood why another colleague would say i haven't had a chance to cry yet but i cant right now because now is not the time.

funny enough, the quote of the day was "Maintain your composure under any circumstance."

how ironic.

one of my boys in the slightly less self-centred second class could see on my face immediately that i was not my usual chipper morning self. he walked in, stopped up short mid-stride, and you could see the gears shift from whatever he was going to say about himself to "Miss, wha'happen? yuh havin a bad day or wha'?"

bless his heart. i said yeah, just have some other things going on right now. at which point he turns to my (first period) class and ordered "hey! allyuh take it easy on Miss today! a'right? behave allyuh selves!"

most had their ipods on because i had already given the instructions for the day so as usual, they missed the point, but i appreciated the gesture nonetheless.

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on sunday i finished mitch albom's Tuesdays with Morrie. i wish i had read that when my grandad was still alive and fighting cancer....so this time last year. i would have been a better nurse to him in july i think. but anyway, one of the things morrie tells mitch is to practice Detachment - in a Buddhist sort of way. identify the emotion, look at it, turn it around, feel it, then put it down.... so you can get on with the business of the day.

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that's what i did to get through this morning. took the sadness and put it on a shelf. took the frustration at leaving late, the annoyance with the power tripping tour guide, the discomfort with the heat, and the exasperation at the disorganization of the second half of the tour... took each one and put it up there. on the shelf. but i think it takes effort to do that. a lot of effort. to put it up on a shelf to deal with later in order to maintain your composure.

the girl's rudeness was to the point where the students were mocking her within earshot and making plans to tell her off. i had to tell some of them not to take her on, and not to take it in...because i was trying to not take on her negativity for myself AND for them and i was getting tired.

i think for me the best part of the trip was the ride back in the maxis. crazy spice girls singing at the top of their lungs. boys trying to lead renditions of the safety dance, abba, backstreet boys and nkotb hits. and there's the old favourite of the wheels on the bus and 900 bottles of -water- on the wall.

back at work, i was so drained i didn't even want to commit to lunch. just wanted to lie down somewhere (bathe first, then sleep). but, no, we had a staff meeting! luckily i got the opportunity to decompress with a colleague. all those emotions related to the agonies of the trip came off the shelf and were thrown around her office. that allowed me to have a clearER shelf to deal with the staff meeting. the sadness was still there though.

the staff meeting was as thrilling as usual.

i got home and called a friend. he told me some very funny stories and was quite philosophical. it also helped me to understand some of the facets of my own current circumstances. his stories helped put the sadness into perspective.

it is nice when some pieces of the puzzle fall into place. it makes it much easier to handle the holes that appear when other pieces are removed or dont fit.

the nice thing about being 28 is that i can comfortably say that i'm old and that i'm a woman. i can conduct myself in certain ways and discuss certain things without having to be apologetic or coy.

but i must say, that phone call this afternoon was the HIGHLIGHT of my day.

a good friend is someone who, whether they know it or not, point you in the direction of what really matters.