vacillate

vacillate |ˈvasəˌlāt|
verb [ intrans. ]
alternate or waver between different opinions or actions; be indecisive : I had for a time vacillated between teaching and journalism.
DERIVATIVES
vacillation |ˌvasəˈlā sh ən| noun
vacillator |-ˌlātər| noun
ORIGIN late 16th cent.(in the sense [sway unsteadily] ): from Latin vacillat- ‘swayed,’ from the verb vacillare.


i'm going to be moving home this summer.
i'm going to be moving back to toronto this summer.
i'm going to be leaving home this summer.
i'm going to be packing up my home this summer.

i know i am going. i know it is time to go. i know i have things and, more importantly, people to look forward to at home. but at the same time, i'd rather not leave. or, i'd rather not have to go through the BUSINESS of leaving. packing, selling, taking down, putting out, giving away...

all of that i can do without. but of course, in order for it to be properly done, i HAVE to be involved in the process. can't let someone else do it.

and then there is the human side. i will once again slip into the realm of long-distance family, phone family for all my family here.

it's weird... this anticipation of absenteeism. like dying, but not. i am now beginning to understand what everyone in toronto must have felt as i was preparing to leave.

like they promised me, i'll promise everyone here that i'll visit sometime in the future.

yeah...

swaying like a palm in the breeze...

from anticipation to ambivalence, apathy to acrimony