what is the goal

when you do something, make long term plans, you always need to have an aim, a goal towards which you are striving.
but sometimes it's hard to determine exactly what the goal is. and when THAT is figured out, you can figure out all the milestone mini goals that need to be reached along the way.

the goal in coming here was...
a) to live by myself and not with family
b) to live by myself and not with a significant other
c) to live by myself in a "foreign" country/ "new" environment

i wanted to achieve all these goals by relocating to trinidad so that i could know how to do things, live life for myself and mostly by my own means.

there's a calypso that talks about independent ladies who bought their stuff for themselves. its not annoying or condescending like tlc or destiny's child. it's more appreciative of a woman's capacity to not depend on others for the things she wants/needs.

now as for my small goals above,
a was achieved
b was achieved sort of because he was the absent presence in every conversation, every moment of the day.
c was achieved... although technically, literally, trinidad is not foreign to me as i was born here and have visited several times

i really wanted to achieve b because i knew that when i went back to toronto, i would have to join myself to someone else and their life, and i didn't want to regret not knowing what it is to live by myself as an adult in my own place.

people ask if i'm ready to move back to T.O. i say i'm never ready, but it is time. i have achieved my goals. the significant other has been patiently waiting. i have also learned, or had reconfirmed, that there is no one who fits me just like he does.

like my trini flag havaianas - if i could wear those all day every day, i would be ecstatic. but that doesn't work for all occasions. sometimes its not possible to access your favourite shoes, so you go for something else. something that matches or fits the occasion but is equally comfortable. but all along you know, nothing beats my fave pair of ___ and i can't wait to get home to take these off and put those on.

even though i may be dragging my heels because i'm not looking forward to winter, being unemployed, being quasi-homeless, paying world gas prices; or missing mas, the fetes and concerts, the beaches, my family [!!!], all signs are pointing to the airport.

there seem to be new signs pointing to new things at home.

but, for now, for here, the goals have been achieved.

it is time to go.